The Great Sourdough Saga: How I Failed (Spectacularly) at Baking Bread

So, my friend Amy—who's basically the Beyoncé of baking—gave me some sourdough starter. "It's easy," she said. "You just feed it, make bread, feed it, make bread…" Yeah. Right. Easy for her to say. She’s out here making bread that looks like it came straight from a French bakery, while I’m over here creating… well, let’s just say, “bread-like substances.”

The adventure started off with so much hope. I followed Amy’s instructions to the letter, or at least I thought I did. But my first batch of bread barely rose. It was like the dough just decided, "Nah, I’m good right here." The result was a loaf that could double as a doorstop. Not exactly the rustic, fluffy masterpiece I had envisioned.

By this point, I was starting to doubt my life choices, so I shot Amy a text, just to make sure I wasn’t completely failing at this. Her response? “... sounds like you are overthinking it. Just have fun!” Fun? There was zero fun to be had, let me tell you. I was stressed out, covered in flour, and beginning to question why anyone bakes bread at all.

Determined not to be defeated, I tried again. This time, I thought I’d give it a bit more love, maybe a little extra time in the oven. Big mistake. My second batch came out looking like I was trying to smuggle a piece of coal out of the mine. The outside was charred, the inside was doughy, and the whole thing was an epic fail.

Then came the third attempt. I don’t even know what happened. Was it bread? Was it a science experiment gone wrong? Even the starter seemed to be judging me at that point, bubbling away like it knew I was hopeless.

Was I feeding it too much? Not enough? Maybe my oven has a personal vendetta against me. Who knows? All I do know is that baking bread is not my thing. I’ll leave that to the Amys of the world who can make magic with a bit of flour and water.

As for me? I’m sticking to jams, jellies, butters, and sauces. That’s my lane, and I need not veer. Breadmaking? Yeah, I’m officially retired after three (very embarrassing) attempts.

So, if you ever need a jar of something delicious to slather on your perfectly baked bread, hit me up. But if you're looking for a loaf… let’s just agree to call Amy.

Love & Light