Tis the Season… for Chaos, Panic Attacks, and Drying Out the Turkey.

The past month or so has been a whirlwind. Text messages have been coming in like holiday-themed grenades—everything from tips for budget decorating to the dreaded "did you remember to thaw the turkey?" panic email. Oh, and let's not forget the one reminding me to check if I bought everything I said I would before Cyber Monday ended. Tis the season, right? Tis the season for chaos and mayhem. Tis the season for panic attacks, paper cuts, and drying out the turkey (or Christmas ham—whichever one you're overcooking this year). Tis the season for overspending on things no one really needs but buying anyway because, well, it's the holiday pressure cooker because it was 75% off for crying out loud.

But seriously, what happened to Tis the season for Thanksgiving? Or Tis the season for Jesus? Or even Tis the season to spend time with friends and family?

In my mind, November and December should be months of slowing down—literally and figuratively. Fall and winter are supposed to be a time when things wind down. It’s when plants die back and animals hibernate. It’s a time for rest and recharging, so that we can be ready for the spring—at least that’s what I’ve been told. And yes, I actually believe it. My chickens, for instance, slow down on egg production when the days get shorter. Sure, I could artificially light their coop to trick them into thinking it’s still summer, but I don’t. Why? Because if God made a chicken and told her to take a break, I’m all for it. She’s worked her little feathers to the bone the other 270 days of the year, so if she wants to rest, more power to her. And no, I don’t cull them when they stop laying. This is The Circle, people—everything gets to live in its own little paradise until the very end.

So, what about us? Why don’t we slow down when we’re supposed to? Instead, we blast through November and December like we’re in a holiday relay race. We decorate every surface of our homes, host extravagant parties, overspend on things that no one really wants (but it feels right at the time), and then rush around like squirrels on espresso. We shuffle from family to family, eating meal after meal, getting up just to head to the next location. We check our watches our cat (Blue kiTTen) waiting for dinner—impatient and anxious. Our calendars are color-coded with names, dates, and places, each one a little pressure cooker of its own. We wake up with anxiety and end the day so exhausted we can’t even muster a prayer before falling asleep—our heads hitting the pillow just in time to snore.

And for what? For our kids? For family? For nanna? For our boss? For social media? To impress someone? To keep up with the Joneses? When I ask myself why—and I mean really ask why—I don’t have a good answer. I could tell you all the things I’ve done in years past, all the places I’ve gone, but I’m still left asking why.

Last November, I started to experience some weird symptoms that led to what I can only describe as the most frustrating, soul-crushing illness of my life. It affected every single part of my existence for almost a year. Some of my family and friends know the basics, but only my husband, God, and I (and possibly the Devil) know the details.

I still don’t have a clear diagnosis, but in the last couple of months, I’ve found some relief from what I now call “vestibular issues.” In simple terms, my left vestibular system—which is supposed to help me keep my balance—is failing. At the beginning of the year, it was at 70%. Now, it’s at 87%. Fun times, right? The vestibular system controls balance, spatial orientation, and even eye movement. So when it goes haywire, it’s like trying to drive a car with three flat tires—everything gets harder.

For me, that’s meant struggling with things like word-finding, brain fog, falling down (a lot), avoiding stairs like they're made of fire, and a constant state of exhaustion. At the end of the day, I’m wiped out because all my other senses have to work overtime to compensate for the failing vestibular system. I’ve been told that the fact I’ve functioned as well as I have—without taking time off work—is unprecedented. To which I say, “That’s God showing up, not me.”

The last year has been a roller coaster. I spent countless days going to bed at 6 or 7 p.m., sometimes lying on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t even move without the world spinning. I couldn’t look up at the ceiling, turn my head, or walk in a straight line. Simple tasks were overwhelming, and there were days I couldn’t even remember how to process basic instructions. I had to come to terms with a whole new version of myself.

The pre-illness me would’ve just gone on, full throttle, juggling everything like a circus performer. I was involved in so many things: the Chamber of Commerce, volunteer boards, Kiwanis, after-hours functions, you name it. My motto used to be “We’ll sleep when we’re dead.” But guess what? Life had other plans. When everything came crashing down, I had to ask myself, “Who is Emily if she’s not doing all these things?”

And let me tell you, I wasn’t ready for the answer.

Turns out, she’s still Emily. Maybe a modified version, but she's still here. She might go 30mph now instead of 100mph. But guess what? She's still Emily. I had to go through a lot to accept that. Therapy helped. A painful truth came with it: This life is your life. Ouch, right? It hurt like hell, but it was the truth. And you know what? I might never go 100mph again. Maybe I’ll max out at 70mph. Maybe 50. And that’s okay.

As I’ve navigated this new, slower pace, one thing has become glaringly obvious: We don’t take pause. And that, my friends, is a dangerous thing. It leads to regrets, burn-out, strained relationships, and, yes, illness. I think this is one of the reasons we struggle to find joy in daily life and, unfortunately, why we often don’t truly appreciate those we love until it’s too late.

One of the hardest questions I had to ask myself this year was, “Who am I if I can’t do everything?”

And you know what? It turns out I’m still me. I’m just a version of me that moves a little slower, needs more sleep, and focuses more on being than doing.

I’m still Emily 2.0. Time will tell if there’s even a 3.0.

So, as we dive into this holiday season, I encourage you to take a pause. Seriously. Put down the turkey baster, stop decorating for one minute, and just look around. Be thankful for what you have. Enjoy what’s in front of you. Don’t get so caught up in rushing through life that you miss the blessings already here.

Oh, and here’s a little reminder that I’ll carry with me this season, courtesy of an old story I’ve remembered for over 25 years:

A woman passed away and upon entering heaven was met by an angel who would show her around.  It was a beautiful place and the woman just couldn’t take in fast enough all that she was seeing.  As they continued on the tour, they walked past a door.  The woman asked the angel what was behind the door and the angel told her that it was God’s file room.  Intrigued, the woman asked if she could see in the file room.  The angel obliged and opened the door.  File cabinets took up the room and appeared to go on for eternity.  Cabinets upon cabinets, upon cabinets.  The woman was amazed and asked the angel what was in the file cabinets.  The angel told the woman that everyone had their very own cabinet and inside were all of God’s blessings.  He magically shuffled the room around to display a cabinet with her very name on the front.  The woman’s eyes grew big as she reached for the cabinet but the angel gently pushed her hand away.  “You don’t want to see in that cabinet my friend”, said the angel.  The woman became puzzled and asked why on earth she shouldn’t want to see her blessings?  This would be incredible she thought!  The angel tried to continue to tell the woman and even started to smirk a little, that there was no need to look in the cabinet, she was already in heaven.  Persistent as she was though, the angel finally agreed.  Reluctantly opening the cabinet, she saw notecards that seemed to NEVER END.  It was unbelievable!!!!  The woman laughed and smiled and said to the angel “Why on EARTH would you not want me to see this???? THIS IS JUST INCREDIBLE!!!  GOD BLESSED ME SO MUCH DURING MY LIFE!!!!”.  The angel’s head dropped, he gently took the woman’s hand from the drawer and closed the cabinet.  “I’m sorry to tell you my friend.  These are all the blessings God had planned to give you… but you never asked Him for them.”.

Friends, don’t let that be you. I encourage you to take pause.  Be thankful for the many blessings you do have, and don’t rush through life forgetting to ask God for all the incredible blessings He has for you.  I know we are eager, and we wholeheartedly want to be in all the places with all the people.  But don’t let that take precedence over taking time to simply enjoy what is around you.  Don’t let yourself become consumed with making everything perfect or keeping up appearances.  All the toys and things and boxes being checked off will never ever add up to the people in your life and how much they love you.  Nothing will buy you time, and you may unfortunately realize that it was running out, but you were too busy to notice.   

I jokingly emailed a friend and told her that from now until the first of the year, we should periodically email each other and simply say “Hey friend.  Slow down.”.  Maybe we should all be sending that email.

Blessings and love to you & yours during this incredible holiday season. 

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you, and give you peace.” Numbers 6; 22-27.